Time-warp hazards


Scotty to Captain: “Time-warp modules are down, Sir.”

“What do you mean ‘down’? We’re in the middle of a tunnel in bl..dy Tlalpan!”

“Sorry, Sir. The Orange man has blocked our main Canadian Time-warp supplier.”

“Bombardier? I thought they only did Metro trains and stuff.”

“In a previous time-slot, Sir. They have now extended into Time-warp modules. Very good ones. Very nature friendly: all modules are made of construction wood. A new technology. Our other best suppliers are blocked too. And the bad news is, we are stuck in this Time-slot with the Orange man for a while.”

“How long, Scotty?”

“3 to 4 days our Time, Sir, about 4 years Earth-Time equivalent.”

“No way. With the Orange man? 2 days max. We have another Time-jump scheduled on Friday. Meanwhile there’s a blue… Thang coming at us! Scotty! Gimme some speed!”


“Roger that. Blue Thang distanced.”


“Scotty. Where. Are. We?”

“Chinatown. Mexico. Sir.”

“That’s only 3 blocks long. Get us out of here!”


“We’re out, Sir. That is Chac-Mol below the library at the UNAM.”

“And if you will be so kind, Scotty, what is Chac-Mol and the UNAM?”

“Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México, Sir. In Old Spanish. In Current Standard English it means: Nashional Awtonomus Univershiti of Meshico. Chac-Mol is… Er. Prepare for jump.”


Fingers drumming on the shuttle dashboard: “Yes, Scotty?”

“Back to Tlalpan Galaxy, Sir. Crew: make sure nobody goes down. Spiders here are enormous.”

“Jump.” (Sigh)


The Captain’s new library. Partial view. Equinoxio private file #3.14159.



“La bonita. Una Mexicana que fruta vendía... Yes, Scotty, I speak archaic Spanish. ‘The pretty one who fruit sold’. A fruit store. This must be the historical centre of Mexico city early 21st century?”


“Adjusting controls, Boss, I mean, Sir. Jump!”


“186, before, 26? What the bl..dy hell, Scotty?”

“Er, Sir, in this particular Time-Space slot, street numbers were rather, er, erratic. Sir. Numbers did not necessarily follow an order, 27 could be between 114 and 44.”

“Great for the mailman. Jump!”


“Er, my readings say: ‘mother and child’, Sir.”


“I can see what you mean, Scotty. Mother and child. Very cute. Please. Call. The. Canadians. Now!”



“We will come from the shadows. Sir.”

“Leonard Cohen, now? Scotty, jump us to the end!”

“Of Love, Sir?”


“Oh, oh! This looks bad.”


“Scotty!!!! Put the speed on! We are being tailed by Tlalpan Galaxy Urban Jellyfish. Deadly!”


“Easy, Sir. Actually, you’ve already Time-posted this. I think. A few light-years away. Allow me to jump to a nicer destination.”


“Very… nice Scotty. Pray tell, what is the man reading?”

“Er, Sorry. Sir. Let me adjust my parameters… The new readings are…”


“Good news, Sir, no more jellyfish. This is an unlikely meeting between… let’s see… from the top right, counter-clockwise… Dali, Salvador; Cortazar, Julio; Villa, Pancho; Neruda, Pablo. The note here says “No rational activity registered for any of them at any time.”

“Scotty. I’m on my knees. Please get us to Canada!”

Captain and crew respectfully ask for your forgiveness about the hecticity of this flight. Scotty has been sent to Canada over the new wall extending from Seattle to Buffalo, New York, on an emergency one-person Time-Space craft. Please do not step out of the shuttle. Spiders are very large. Thank you.


52 thoughts on “Time-warp hazards

  1. Fabulous journey…how is Canada. I plan to travel there myself in mid June. By regular means not time warp. 🙂

    • Glad you liked it Holly. 🙂
      Can you believe the only thing I know of Canada is Montreal’s airport caught in a December snow storm en route to Frisco? Worse is Canada is full of cousins, a branch of the family settled there a century ago.
      Now I understand Canada is lovely. June should be perfect. Where abouts are you going to?
      (Always dreamed of spending time in a log cabin to listen to the wolves howling to the moon) 😉

  2. Thank you for the warning about the spiders. When I was a young man in San Diego California I was asked many time to go to the Grand Canyon. I always refused to go as I knew, I was positive there were five and six foot spiders living there who were waiting just for me to cross the state border. I am not sure how they got their information or knew when naive young humans were coming to their area. The government is in on it as they not only help hide the nests of these stealth assassins, they cover up the disappearances. I have heard a rumor they have an agreement with the leaders of the spider clan that in exchange for the occasional human meal and safety in their territory they let themselves be transported to far off locations to do warfare. They are uniquely qualified to wage war in some locations. I have to stop now… I hear strange sounds liek a chittering and there are strange shadows at the upstair windows. Silent hugs.

    • 🙂 Je ne démnéage plus. Trop de cartons de bouquins. Mais cette bibliothèque est un aboutissement. J’y ai aussi mis mon bureau, devant la fenêtre qui donne sur le jardin. A +

      • Ah, je sais ce que c’est de faire des cartons de livres ^^
        C’est vrai qu’elle est superbe, cette bibliothèque.
        Tous mes/nos livres sont dans le salon et, la vache, ça prend une place folle… Mais bon, pas grave,quand on aime…etc, etc…

      • Ça c’est bien sûr. Le problème c’est le poids des cartons. Avec mon dos je ne peux plus les porter. 😦
        Mais, l’avantage de déménager, c’est qu’on fait le tri. J’ai donc pu donner beaucoup de bouquins au Lycée Français d’ici.
        Bon muguet demain.

  3. Clever! That was a fun, almost exhausting journey, but oh, what artwork. I think my fave is the boy in the plane. But I also love the spiderweb and the blue Thang. And just for sheer wow-factor: UNAM

      • I live in a tiny country town called Rainier, and it is over an hour away from Portland. I did live in Portland for 8 years, and that’s when I had my pet squirrels. I named them Peanut and Mushroom. When they were hungry, they would come to the window where I worked, and would sit up on their hind legs and beg. Then I went outside with peanuts and they would come right up and pull them from my fingers. I fed them like that for years and never got bit. I think rabies make animals act erratically, and if these two had been sick, I probably would have noticed a change.

        Out here in Rainier I know there are squirrels, but they are wild and hidden, so I barely ever see them.

      • Peanut and mushroom? How lovely. Couldn’t resist googling Rainier. It is a small town. Which means you’re in the countryside in 5 minutes. That is great.
        Take care, Crystal.

  4. What a great column! In my household, we’re Trekkies too! And as a Canadian, I’m chuckling about the wall comments. Just weighing in on some of the other comments-Montreal is indeed fabulous (I lived and studied there long long ago -a great city to inhabit in one’s twenties!) If you have family there, it’s definitely worth a stop, especially in June and September before the humidity gets crazy. For your friend going to Calgary -Banff and Lake Louise are pretty spectacular for natural beauty. But as somone in middle age, I definitely prefer the more temperate climate of the west coast (Vancouver and Victoria). Also worth a visit!

    • I prefer Pink Floyd’s wall. 🙂
      My – distant – cousins live in Saskatchewan. I think.
      I do have Vancouver and the west coast on my list. Plus a few night up north in a wood cabin with wolves howling at the moon. 🙂
      (I know I read too much Jack London)
      Be good.

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